just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
