Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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