the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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