Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
