Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
