How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
