My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
