She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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