im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He called his prostate his "boner button".
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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