i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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