I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i out mim tonsoeep
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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