Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
