I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
