i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
