my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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