i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you win again, gameday.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
