i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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