I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
