If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
