atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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