I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
