I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
