I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
