Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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