I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
