I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
