New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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