There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Did you just see the Batmobile???
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
