I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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