omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
