I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
