it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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