My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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