Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
