im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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