he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
