after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize