Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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