Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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