Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
