Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
