I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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