i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
