All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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