Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
