Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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