did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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