genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize