eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
