I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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