Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
