I met the friendliest cop last night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize