genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
