God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
