and you said cock pushups were impossible
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
