i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
