Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize