ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
